November

It is that season again when rain pours; and when your feet touch wet fallen leaves, smelling petrichor and nostalgia, your thoughts time-travel.

Every time I turn on TV now,  I find a story of someone losing their dad- the lost love, the lost chunk of childhood moments, the pains and helplessness of not being able to keep someone you love alive and close, the missing hugs, the happy questions and answers, the void, unfulfilled plans, and the missing passages of the same wavelength of the wits and wisdom all appear again. 

There is something universal about loss and mourning. That even during your darkest grieving period, you realize how much love and light filled up your memory. That even though they are showing a fictional dad on the TV screen, yet the story, the pain, the blank spaces all look so similar and before your heart knows, your eyes tear up!

I lost my dad just three months back. It felt like a part of me died with him too. For a long time tea didn’t taste right; in the crowded grocery store, I cried before the tea aisle looking at all the different teas my dad introduced to us over the years. Each festival felt like a burden. In my mind I replayed our last video call- his smile, his big eyes so happy seeing my face. I tried to remember what we spoke in detail the last time. In June, on a sunny morning, he asked me to check my finances, asked me what I ate that morning. We had a long talk- mostly about my mom. He always made fun of my mom’s caring behavior. He always wondered how my mom had so much time to take care of every minute thing. We joked. We laughed like always. His calls, his soothing happy voice would work like a soul-cleanser for me. We discussed his favorite TV series, and the reasons I don’t have time to call often. 

The days pass. The world moves on without waiting for anybody. A friend told me recently that you never fully recover from your loss, you just learn to live with it. Maybe true! For some time, I felt like an orphan. Like with his passing, his love is gone too! Who will teach my kids the value of education and the possibilities and doors that reading and learning open up? Who will remind my mom my birthday and kids’ birthdays? Who will notice the dark circles around my sleepless eyes on a phone screen and remind me to eat and sleep well? Two basic things he always asked me to take care! For a long time it felt like how much I was dependent on his love than he was on mine! For a long time all the feelings came like waves.

There is something about November. That even when you are grieving, and walking in the rain, you can still find a moment to reflect, to gather thoughts, and give hugs to those who matter!

Author: Archita

Musings about life and photography.

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